My Shelf. . . It Was Just Too Heavy

(If you don't know what I mean when I say "my shelf," then please read this post so you understand what I'm talking about here.  Thanks)


I was "born in the covenant."  My life began in a diverse city.  None of my early life friends were Mormon.  They were all normal, kind people.  But of course we needed to "save them."  My first missionary experience was in  Grade One.  I gave my teacher a Book of Mormon.  In Grade Two, I gave my teacher a Book of Mormon and she attended my baptism.  She is still the only face I can remember from that day; looking up at her from the font.  I'm sure I gave my Grade Three and Four teachers the same gift.  It was right around this time that I learned that my Uncle is gay.  I knew that being gay was "not something that we did," but I knew he wasn't a bad person and I loved him.  LGBT ISSUES - placed on my shelf.

In the summer after Grade four, we moved out of the big city to a small Mormon town.  Here I learned that those who were different were dangerous.  (I was the dangerous outsider.)  Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of friends, but I was the crazy city girl influencing everyone's kids towards evil.  At age 10, I didn't even know what evil was.  Except for what I was told at church.

Speaking of church, it was at church in this little town where I learned about Black vs. White OR Dark vs. Light skin.  This was portrayed in a lesson at church with water, pepper, and salt.  The salt being the good that gets rid of the bad.  The teacher specifically referenced color of skin to the lesson.  Keep in mind, that here in this area, the Natives did not get along with the white people.  (This is a generalization, I know.  I'm sure there are some people that like each other just fine.  But this is my 12-yr-old memory.)  I got along fine with the Natives, though.  This only added fuel to the fire of evil influence that was me.  Over half of my friends were Natives.  RACISM - added to my shelf.

At 12, we moved again.  Back to city life; well suburban life anyway.  This is what is known as "Happy Valley."  Here the culture was different.  When I first got here, I remember thinking, "these people are weird,"  but not really able to place what the weirdness was.  Everyone did the same activities.  Everyone had the same crafty home decor.  Everyone went to the same church.  Everyone had all the same things to talk about.  There also seemed to be no room for error.  ASSIMILATION - placed on my shelf.

Here is where I learned that boys and girls were different.  It's not okay for a girl to want to be into sports and the outdoors; she is supposed to craft, cook, be quiet and have babies.  Boys can play, get dirty, be loud, and have fun.  GENDER ROLES- shelved.

Then there was the difference in activities.  Boys could go on trips, go boating, fishing, camping, shooting, skiing, and a whole slew of other expensive activities, while the girls had to be frugal and go to a leaders home to make crepes, or write out the characteristics they require from their future husbands.  FUNDING YWs vs YMs - on my shelf.

Boys taught to prepare for, get, and use the Priesthood.  The Power of God.  Girls get nothing.  INEQUALITY -shelved.

Girls taught that we control the thoughts of boys and men.  We are to blame for the things that happen to us if we aren't dressed "modestly."  Boys taught that it's the girls fault they think the way they do.  RAPE CULTURE - shelved.

Girls taught their divine role is to be a wife and mother in Zion.  Boys taught nothing about Fatherhood or being a good husband, only about Scouts.  OH, and Priesthood.  DIVINE ROLES - shelved.

As I grew up in Mormon-ville and filled my days with school and extra curricular activities,  I didn't have much to worry about.  We were all Mormons.  Except for my ONE friend.  But we hardly saw each other.  We participated in different activities.  Someone else could handle that missionary opportunity.  EVERY MEMBER ALWAYS A MISSIONARY - shelved.

It was in High School that receiving personal revelation was stressed in my Seminary classes.  This was something I could count happening to me on only one hand.  I didn't feel like direct revelation was mine to possess.  I mean, who can really tell the difference between personal feelings and "The Spirit" anyway?  I couldn't.  And no one could explain this to me.  SPIRITUAL CONFIRMATIONS - shelved.

I attended BYU-Idaho.  I was there the first year it was an official BYU school.  Now, if I thought that "Happy Valley" was crazy, then BYU-Idaho was a whole new world of ridiculous.  However, I fit in just fine.  I could adjust to the rules that I signed up for.  (literally signed for)  College is supposed to be an exploration time.  A time to find yourself, try new things, do something stupid, and come out of it alive and better because of your experiences.  That's not what happens in Rexburg, ID.  No finding yourself.  You do as you're told.  No trying new things.  No experimentation.  No Sandals.  Doing something stupid gets you expelled or worse, excommunicated.  This is a control situation.  Know the rules, do them, go to class, and you'll graduate.

I learned here that this was no ordinary school.  The underlying religious messages weren't so discrete.  I didn't have ONE class that didn't mention marriage.  This was the real purpose for college, to get married.  Not to improve my education or develop my ability to think for myself.    MARRIAGE.  That's it.  Find the man.  Capture the man.  Make babies.  Support the man.  Endure to the end.  DIVINE ROLES - again, placed on the shelf.

Well, I didn't meet someone who could provide for me.  Return Missionaries (RMs) were weird.  I steered clear.  Just my degree for me, please.  But just because the boys were weird doesn't mean I would be weird if I went.  I could be a normal missionary.  So, I decided to go.  Everyone was supportive.  I was called to the Virginia Richmond Mission.

The Missionary Training Center (MTC) was more strict than BYU-Idaho.  However, I signed up for this, again.  In the MTC, I learned that this was not a place for questions and answers.  This was a place for "tough love" and assimilation.  ONLY ONE WAY - thrown on the shelf.

Leaving the MTC.  Hearing a voice tell me not to go.  Calling home and having my Dad (without me telling him what I heard) said, "no turning back now."  So, I went.  PERSONAL REVELATION - hanging over the side of my very full shelf.

The Mission Field.  The place where all unbelievers dwell.  Where they are ripe and all ready to harvest.  Where my mission president didn't think highly of Sister Missionaries, and he didn't feel I had any personal revelatory abilities, and disregarded every feeling I had.  Including me knowing there was a death coming in my family WEEKS before it happened.  This is where I learned that in the political realm of the church, women didn't matter.  Our voices don't matter.  Our presence doesn't matter.  Our opinions don't matter.  (If you want to read the whole story, you can find it here.)  INEQUALITY - hanging from personal revelation.  DISRESPECT - hanging from inequality.  My shelf, getting splinters from the weight.

I came home.  EARLY.  No one said anything.  No one asked questions.  No one made eye contact.  No one knew why I came home.  However, the inability to perform, or depression, or rule breaker lingers in the air.  But no one asks me.  My parents didn't know why.  My stake president didn't even know why I came home.  All he had was a note in my file that said I was being released because of medical reasons. Who knew that choosing to come home was A MEDICAL PROBLEM?  There you have it folks, I CHOSE to come home.

After I came home, I dated, got married, finished school and went to work.  After a few years, I had kids.  During this time of me being pregnant and at home I had a chance to experience multiple male chauvinistic leaders, develop a hatred to the rhetoric that exists in Relief Society, and read EVERYTHING I could find about my beloved church's involvement with Prop 8 in California and earlier in Hawaii, and the "therapy" used to treat those people who are burdened with the struggle of "Same Sex Attraction."

LGBT TREATMENT BY THE CHURCH - SHELF BROKEN

The Good Samaritan and Ordain Women

I am not a member of Ordain Women (OW). But last year I felt the need to understand better why women wanted to be ordained.  I spent months reading about it, asking those involved, and discussing the many different reasons for why they have chosen to support OW.

What I found were reasons based a lot on the inequalities between male and female members.  ALL of those reasons reflected feelings I have experienced through out my life.  I spent most of my pre-teen and teen years asking, "why do the YM/Priesthood get to do things that the YW/RS don't?"  The answers always varied, but never felt adequate.  I have spent my adult years watching the marginalization of women within the church suffocate women's identities, individuality, and the impact they could make within the church.

I support those requesting more equality within the church.  I support those who want to be accepted within the church for who they are, not what they are expected to be.   I support those who want to have women's voices actually make a difference within the church.  I support those who wish to have women and men work side-by-side in the decision making processes within the church.  I support those who believe that women have more to offer than flower arrangements, table cloths, and center pieces.  I support those that promote the idea of men and women each being responsible for their own thoughts and actions.

Knowing that I support these things and that lots of these things are some of the reasons that women are involved in OW, means that I can relate to the request of the organization.  I understand where they are coming from.   I don't have an emotional pull/need towards ordination.  I do see benefits of women being ordained.

I stood patiently in line with a couple hundred men and women requesting admission to last years October Priesthood Session.  I didn't go because I need to be ordained.  I went because I understand what each of these men and women feel.  I understand where they're coming from.  I also went because, after talking to so many people, I felt that this group was going to be grossly under-represented because many women didn't have the ability to get to the session for themselves.

In Luke 10: 25-28, Jesus was asked "what shall I do to inherit eternal life?" and with great wisdom answered with his own question, "What is written in the law? how readest thou?"  The lawyer answered saying,

"Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself."

Jesus confirmed, "Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live."  But here the lawyer didn't know who his neighbor was.  Jesus continues to explain by giving us the parable of the Good Samaritan.  Explaining that even those we disagree with, are not socially acceptable associates, or that we were taught to hate are, in fact, our neighbors.

Now here is where we all talk about the love and compassion that the Samaritan bestowed on the the man from Jerusalem.  He was a Godsend to his fellow human being; truly a miracle.  But instead of talking about the Samaritan, I'd like to talk about the man from Jerusalem.

In this story he is stripped, beaten, and left for dead.  I have never experienced this and pray I never do, but lets imagine what he is feeling.  Hurt, violated, worthless.  Then he has, not one, but multiple people see him and walk by.  These actions could solidify feelings of worthlessness, depression, and succumbing to death.

But then there is someone who stops to help.  This person cleans the mans wounds and carries him to safety where he can get the best help.  The man now might feel hope, love, support, understanding, and compassion. SAFE.

The men and women I know who are members of OW, and those who are not (myself included) but question other aspects of our LDS culture and church, feel these emotions. When members of our own church pass us by, count our concerns as unimportant, and scream hateful words at us this solidifies our feelings of worthlessness within the LDS Church.

This year, I will again be joining Ordain Women in Salt Lake City.  I will go, not because I feel the need to be ordained, but because all women need a voice within the church,  all women need a place to feel safe and secure, and all people, members and non-members alike, need never feel criticized for searching for answers.

I Am. . .

I am a Woman.

I am a Wife and Lover.

I am a Mother who would kill to protect my babies.

I love to get dolled up.  Make up, Fancy Dress, high heeled shoes, curls in my hair, the whole shebang. 

I am an athlete. I am a Runner.

I am educated.  

I imagine, design, and create.  

I am a Friend.  

I have a divine roll within my life and family.  My role has been defined by myself, my Hubby, and my God.  Over the years, it has been co-provider, sole-provider, and stay at home Mom.  All at different times with different needs.  My role (along with my Hubby's role) is redefined every time we come upon a challenge within our life.  

I advocate Equal Rights.

I am a Feminist.

I am a Believer.

I am Me.

I Know My Place

The article "Woman, Know Thy Place" was published in the opinion section of Sunday's publication of the Salt Lake Tribune in response to another article posted earlier last week.  In the article, James Maples expresses his sorrow for the possible change of having women pray in the General Session of Conference this upcoming April.  Maples says,

"Woman was created for man; this world was made for men to lead households and prayers. Man was created in God’s image — not in a woman’s image."

Now, I am quite positive that I was not made just to serve my Husband.  I was not made to come running  every time he wants food, the cleaning done, and to take care of the kids.  I sure as Hell was NOT created to fulfill his sexual fantasies whenever he desires.  

I WAS CREATED TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.

If this world was made for men to lead households, then why aren't they AT HOME?  And while at home,  are they supposed to be the only ones praying or teaching the kids to pray?  Wait, was that before or after I came running to take care of the kids?  Men were not made to lead households and prayers.  They were made to experience joy with family and friends through service and love.  NOT through Tyranny.

 I WAS CREATED TO RESPECT AND BE RESPECTED.

Lets say for the sake of argument, that God is male.  Men were created in God's image.  So, whose image was every female created after?  Because last I checked, I have breasts and no penis.  Is it really all that horrific for women to yearn to understand and know their Heavenly Mother better?  There is not a doubt in my mind that She has never and will never cower before Her heavenly counterpart.  

I AM A WOMAN, CREATED TO RULE MY KINGDOM STANDING NEXT TO MY HUSBAND.

I will not be an object.  I will be a respected member of society.
I will not be a shadow.  I will be a voice.
I will not be a doormat.  I will be a leader.

I KNOW MY PLACE.  Thanks!

FMH Get Together

Last night I had the wonderful privilege of meeting some men and women that have similar feelings as I do toward the Church, it's teachings, and our interaction with it.  It was the breath of fresh air I needed to lighten my night.  I walked away completely rejuvenated and ready to take on the world.  I'm so excited to continue my new found friendships.

Wear Pants to Church Day. I'm in. Here's Why. . .

I have been saddened to hear that the woman who organized "Wear Pants to Church" day has been receiving death threats over this issue.  Also because most people are missing the point, including the media.

The media made it sound like Stephanie Lauritzen's(one of the organizers) opinions were those of every participants.  This is not the case.

My SIL, Meredith, expressed the purposes of the event better than anyone I have heard so far:

 "it's hard to give a single list, because it means different things to different people. For some of us, it's about simply letting people decide for themselves what's appropriate. For some, it's about the silly idea that some local congregations have dress codes for women that are completely contradictory to official church policy. For some, it's about ward YW programs systematically receiving less funding than the YMs programs. For some, it's about a host of non-doctrinal cultural issues that are taboo to even discuss. For many, it's about removing the stigma of simply asking questions about doctrines regarding sex and gender. For some, it's about ordaining women. We don't all agree about exactly which doctrines or structures are issues. But we do agree that we should bring the discussion out of the shadows, and let others know that it's ok to ask questions, too."

Those are just some of the reasons.  Some I agree with.  Others I don't. (If you want to hear more reasons go HERE.)  I wasn't even sure I was going to participate.  Now I am.

I will be wearing pants this Sunday because of the amount of hate and unwillingness to understand that has been stirred up by this event.  This is part of what I want changed.  It is worth my support.

This reason is just one of the headaches that has persisted for the past 7 years for me.  I need to acknowledge and address it.  I'm acknowledging it now.  Here's to the beginning of healing.

Cleaning for Move Out

It's official. We are completely moved. We turned in our keys to the management office and are no longer tenants of Lindon Colonial. We are back in the closet-less apartment, but we have more space than at our previous apartment. There has to be a trade, doesn't there?

Yesterday, while cleaning the apartment before we turned in our keys, I thought that I would test out a cleaner recipe that I found on Pinterest. Baking Soda & Hydrogen Peroxide. I mixed the two to make a paste and then smeared it all over my HORRIFIC drip pans on the stove. (usually I cover them with aluminum foil and don't have to worry about the cleaning, but I just never got around to it.) Now, when I say horrific, I mean caked on blackness that makes you want to go out and buy replacement drip pans instead of trying to clean them. I was skeptical about this formula, but figured it was worth the $1 to try it out.

OH MY GOSH!! It worked fantastically. I have never seen my drip pans sparkle like this. I only wish that I had my camera with us. You would be shocked. I would recommend trying it out. I'm going to try it out on my cookie sheets and maybe the stove. It's way cheaper than buying the expensive chemical-smelling stuff.

You should try it.


I am about half way through unpacking and am DYING to put up our Christmas decorations. I think that will be the plan for tonight. Maybe some pictures for tomorrow.

Brick Oven Pizza: Allergy Disappointment

This past weekend we were in Provo. I have been craving their toasted bread for weeks now and thought that since we were down there we should go. So, we headed with our large group of family and friends down to the usually enjoyable restaurant.

When we got there I thought, to speed up the ordering process, I would ask for their allergy list/menu. They weren't very nice about my asking, like it was putting them out or something. They do NOT have an allergy list. I was shocked. I thought that it was law that everywhere had to have one. (maybe I'm wrong) I mean, Wendy's has one.

So, I was shocked and apparently looked it because they had their manager come over. (Like I was causing a disturbance or something) I had him check their chicken fingers for milk. He was also very put out that he had to go check. He told me they don't batter the chicken themselves. Like that would make a difference. I still wanted him to check the ingredients. He was not very nice OR helpful so I just waited to ask the waitress to check on the pasta ingredients.

She was very nice, and checked immediately. Not one of the pastas can be digested by someone allergic to dairy. Which means there was nothing on the menu I could order for my little Sweet Pea. They are the FIRST restaurant I have been to in a year that has not had ONE thing for my Sweet Pea to eat. NOT ONE! I couldn't believe it.

Their solution was that she is so little they don't usually charge if someone goes to the salad bar and gives the little one something they can eat from there. Now really, have you ever seen a salad bar? I eat from them, but they are not exactly mix free. How many times have you seen someone or yourself drop food from one of the bowls into another. I can't just give someone with a food allergy something from a contaminated space. Not to mention this salad bar was NOT well kept that night. One of the worst I've seen in a long time.

So, even though I really like Brick Oven to eat myself, I will probably never be able to go back. It's too much work to pack dinner for half my family just so that I can eat out.

Good bye Brick Oven.

Dairy Free Whipped Topping!

Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE this place:


Well, I do. I LOVE Harmons. They have everything for my never ending dairy-free needs. Last week, I found this:

source: veganbaking.net

It has made my life so much easier. When I want cream on something I'm eating I don't feel so badly when Sweet Pea cries that she isn't getting exactly what Mom is eating.

No more crying:



Our banana pancakes topped with strawberries and Soyatoo! It tastes pretty good.



Yea for Dairy Free finds!

Dairy Free Easter Basket

I know that it's been a week and you probably don't remember, but I wanted to update you anyway. I was really struggling to figure out what to do for my Sweet Pea for her Easter Basket since she was not only a toddler who doesn't need a ton of sweets, but allergic to dairy as well.

This is what the Easter Bunny came up with at our house:

Dollar Store Crayola Books
Baked Lays
Cheerios and Shreddies in the plastic eggs
Dollar Store Disney coloring book
Dollar Store plastic watering can


The Crayola Books were a HUGE hit. And I love them too. I get to teach her what all the things are and she LOVES pointing out the things she already knows and can say. Completely fun.

The plastic watering can became a big hit when we got to the tub that night. She loves filling it up and watching it pour out.

Yeah for a fantabulous 1st Easter.

I Raced This Past Weekend!

I raced in the Wasatch Woman 6K this past Saturday. You should go see all the pics and read about it at

Shredding the Fatness.

Oh The Sweetness!

Since my Sweet Pea wasn't sleeping very well last night and I ended up being awake at 5 am this morning, I made German Pancakes. I was a little nervous to do this because I've never used Soy Milk to cook with before and the Vegan Butter I've been using melts a little different than regular butter. So, I was just hoping and praying that my dish would turn out well enough to eat.

It DID!

OH, for months I have longed for the buttery goodness to touch my lips. It was Heaven. Wonderous Bliss.

Thank you for making Soy Milk with the ability to be used in baking recipes.

Oh the Joys of Sunday

So, my little Sweet Pea is just loaded with fun allergies. We have Squash and Milk and those Puff things, oh . . . OH. . . and we now have Zucchini.




She threw up right before I was going to go get ready for church. It was so sad.

Embrace Yourself Week 2010 with The Mommyologists

I thought this was a superb idea. The Mommyologist wanted us all to, instead of addressing all of those horrific things about our bodies that we HaTe, address the things about our bodies that we love.

Go see her vlog HERE.


This is something I really needed to do. I have spent the last few years getting my body into better shape than when I was in High School only to get pregnant and find myself yearning to even be close to the starting line. (not to mention the finish line)

Anyway, I'm letting you all know that I love:

My Feet:


My face:

It seems to be the first place I lose weight.

My strength:

I may be fat, but I have always been the "Tough One" and I like that. It made it so with not much exercise and only 6 months after having my Sweet Pea I could climb this VERY steep mountain trail.

Link up. It's fun

Okay Okay

The advice was wonderful. Thank you.

I haven't been posting very much, but in my head I think I am. So, let me update everyone so you know exactly what is up. . .

Sweet Pea is drinking wonderfully out of her bottle. (I have only been bottle feeding her. It's all I can do. She causes sores.) She HATEs (I don't use this word lightly), HATES the smell/taste of the formula. She purses her lips together and wont let the bottle in. My Hubby tried to give her 1/2 alimentum and 1/2 breast milk. They fought for 15 minutes. Then he gave her breast milk. I think all I can do is pump and feed her that. Now I just have to tell myself that for the next 7 months I have to pump. (Maybe if I don't tell myself then it wont really be true?)

I have been feeding Sweet Pea Rice Cereal for 4 weeks. Sweet Potatoes for a week. Sweet Peas for 1 day. She LOVES food. (I also do not use this word lightly) LOVES loves LoVeS it!!


I was not eating dairy and it helped to clear up her eczema. However I don't think I can keep this up. I love LOve LoVE Dairy. . . cheese. . . milk. . . ice-cream. . . and everything else that has milk in it. So, I'm just cutting down on how much I take into my system. I've been feeding her for almost 6 months and she's not dying over it. It was just in the last little while that we discovered the allergy. I think she can handle the little traces that get to her when I need a pick-me-up. (maybe it's selfish, but it will keep me sane)

I really did like my first Doc. I still do. I don't think she has a lot of experience with Milk allergies. (Surprising because it seems like a lot of babies have it) The second Doc was really nice. He works with a handful of milk allergies. In the end, I do what I want to anyway.

OH, Sweet Pea is rolling all over the place. She has found her mode of transportation. And she is quick. No leaving her alone anymore. Exciting.

I think that's it. Did I forget anything?

No Dairy

It's been rough, but I've been going without dairy products for almost a week. I didn't really realize what had dairy products in it. Lots more than I would have ever expected.

I have been going without because I believe my little one is allergic to the milk protein. (I think I said that before) Her eczema acts up when I eat milk. When I cut it out, it clears up. Thus, the going without.

She will keep soy milk down, but wont drink more than 1/2 an ounce of it at a time. Then she purses her lips together and wont let the bottle in. I haven't tried the alimentum. I might soon. I just don't want to fight with her when it comes to eating time. I want her to enjoy it.

Any suggestions to getting a 5 month old to take formula. It's like trying to teach an old dog new tricks. She just doesn't want to.

New Doctor Visits

UGH! Going to another Doctor. I really like mine but I just don't think she is trusting me as MOM and I know my little girl. We'll see how this new one is.

I think she is allergic to milk protein. (Mer what you sent me was very helpful) I don't think she has fpies, but I do think she is allergic. We'll keep trying out some different formulas and find out.

Cross your fingers for my new Doctor.

Happy Mothers Day!

You are my mother and I appreciate that about you!

Can I Get an AMEN?!

There is really nothing to add to this amazing post I just read at The Exponent.

You MUST to go read it.

AwESoMe!!

National Wear Red Day

This day is a part of the Go Red for Women campaign. It is the day dedicated to the education of women about heart disease and stroke. Heart Disease is the #1 killer of women and we need to fight it in any way we can.

Learn about the signs and your own risk at The American Heart Association. Educate yourself and someone close you. Wear Red today to show your support and get someone to ask you about what you have learned. You just might save a life.