Thursday, February 26, 2015

Broken and Alone

There I was, standing over my destroyed shelf.  A pile of unresolved issues and unanswered questions below me.  Not knowing where to start with clean up.  Not daring to talk to anyone.  My trust in my church had been shattered, which seeped over onto everything.  Trust in EVERYTHING was gone.  And as is well known, trust takes a LONG time to build again. 

Having no answers.  Not knowing where to get truthful answers.  Not wanting to let go of the only life I've ever known.  Scared of destroying my marriage.  Scared of how family and friends will react.  Wanting truth.  Wanting someone to understand.  Needing empathy.  I didn't know what to do.  I was alone. 

One day I remembered that my sister-in-law had added me to a Facebook group a couple of years earlier.  Feminist Mormon Housewives.  I checked it out.  I had NO experience with Facebook groups, so I just lurked for a while.  I discovered men and women like me.  They saw things in the Mormon world that didn't make sense or reflect the teachings we had drilled into us our whole lives.  I had found my people. 

They knew.  They understood.  And there was no judgment.  I didn't have to be silent.  Most of these people were trying to stay and make the church a better place for everyone.  What I wanted to do.  They helped me find the courage to talk to my Hubby. 

I finally had help to pick up and sort through the mess in front of me. 

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