Spread the Word to End the Word

Join me in pledging to end the use of the r-word from our casual speech.

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Eternal Families

My last couple of weeks have flown by. Grandmas death. Traveling up to my home of the great white north. Viewing. Funeral. Soccer. Food. Traveling back to SL Valley. Visiting Family for games. Church. Work. There just hasn't been a spare second in my days to really reflect on the passing of Grandma and how I feel about it.

We all know that I have issues with people at church and that I really wouldn't talk to most of them about anything, but yesterday a sweet wonderful woman came over to me after sacrament meeting to see how I was doing. She had noticed that my eyes were weepy.(And I really had tried not to let them get to that point) She asked about my week and I told her about Grandma. She asked how I was doing and I told her that "it's okay."

She then proceded to remind me that we have to mourn. Most of the time we (the busy American culture) decide that death is just something that happens and that our lives go on and so must we. She said that even though we (the LDS I know that other faiths believe this principle too but this was who she was talking about) believe in the ability to reunite with family after death we still need to take the time to address our feelings and mourn. It may take weeks, months, or even years, but she didn't want me to shy away from it.

I agree. And I am grateful for this woman who did remind me that there are good people around, even in the places that have been harder to find them.

******

I didn't really expect to be as shaken up by the death of Grandma as I was. She was my step-grandma, although she never treated me that way. I didn't see her as much as I see my other Grandparents. But she was there when I needed her to be. She took me to her performances. She let me paint with her special, expensive water colors. We played games. She told me all about her quilting. She always remembered what I was doing, where I lived, and always remembered my hubby(even though she had only met him a couple of times).

It was sad to see her pass. And there might be more to my emotions because now BOTH of my dads parents are gone, but I do know that I will be able to laugh with her again. Play cards with her again. And tell her all about the things that I have learned and enjoyed in life. We will share memories and love again. I know it.

Another voice (shocking! I know)

I ran by a woman in our ward's house today to pick something up, and ended up spending half an hour talking in her driveway.

And I enjoyed it.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I have the WORST time feeling like I have friends in our ward. ANY ward we've been in, actually. I think it goes back to being the weird mature girl in young women's with big boobs who went to a different school and didn't play sports and always felt more comfortable with the olders single sisters than the girls my own age. I mean, I'll KNOW people, but not really feel like I have a connection with them.

It's the same thing with visiting teaching. I have my issues with it -- the issues that everyone seems to have (it's "forced" friendship... or "we have nothing in common"). And I don't really feel super buddy-buddy with MY visiting teachers. Even when I try to have a deeper discussion of the month's message, they just sort of smile and nod and stare at me blankly. It's not horrific, mind you. I had VTs in California who came to my house and talked to each other about curing autism with auras and papaya juice and never said more than a sentence to me. My current VTs are infinitely better than that.

But the 3 sisters that I visit teach? They're wonderful. We have tons in common, and not the usual things. The sweet-looking mother of 3 has irish twins like I do, and loves AC/DC, and can quote every episode of King of the Hill with perfection, and hated breastfeeding as much as I did. The single mom of 4 hides dirty dishes from company the same way I do (on cookie sheets in the bathtub, covered by a white sheet so you can't see them through the shower curtain). And the much older sister -- who you'd think I'd never have ANYTHING in common with -- is passionately political, just like me. I enjoy visiting them. I never would have known ANY of this if I hadn't been "assigned" to sit on a couch and talk to them for 30 minutes a month.

As grateful as I am to have found connections with my "teachees," I think that I'm more grateful for what I've learned about the women who teach me. No, I don't feel like they're my best friends. Despite my best efforts, I haven't been able to find much of anything that I have in common with two grandmothers from Cache Valley. And I can't seem to hold more than a basic conversation with them.

But I know that Sister A has grandchildren in Arizona, a thing for president Kimball, and a magic touch when babies get fussy 30 minutes before the end of relief society. And that Sister T really loves working in the university singles stake with her husband. And we smile when we run into each other at church, or running errands. A

nd I'm starting to realize that we don't have to be best friends or even have anything in common to try to love each other. Yes, it is wonderful to find people in your ward that you love and have tons in common with --

but there's a lot to be said for having to learn how to love others.

Hmmmmm

It's been a week.

Beloved Grandmother has passed.

Long drive to the Wintery Canada.

Icy sliding to and from grave site.

Lots of food.

LOTS of family.

Games.

Love.

More Food.

Honestly caring for each other.

Knowing we will all be together again with Grandma and Grandpa.

Grateful for "The Plan"

Tired.

Dooms Day talks for the Apostles

I was in the "Happy Valley" this weekend and was able to attend a stake conference at the provo tabernacle. Elder L. Tom Perry was the key note speaker and I was sure glad he was. He is a funny man.

He started by telling us that General Conference starts this next Tuesday for him and the rest of the General Authorities. Because they have to have their talks turned in by then so that they can be interpreted on time for conference. He was talking about how they don't ever get assigned a topic and that they all hope to be one of the first speakers. None of the speakers want to be last because the other speakers have already "stolen" their thunder.

Elder Perry said that this was his 75th General Conference to speak in and that it was his "dooms-day talk." He is the dreaded LAST speaker before President Monson makes his closing remarks for the conference.

I thought that it was pretty funny to hear that the apostles worry about talking last and being shafted with topics.

OUTSIDE

I have been spending this month reading a book called Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder. (It's SOO good. Read it) Needless to say, I have been paying attention to my interactions with Nature much more closely.

While I was in the park reading yesterday, I noticed the sounds around me. The dominant ones were the echoing cars, the lacrosse practice next to me, and the doors shutting from people coming to enjoy the park. But if I listened more closely I could still hear the wind and the occasional bird chirp.

The Birds are my favorite. I have grown accustomed to waking to the sound of the morning gossip being spread through their chirping.

I can hear the kite above me flapping in the wind. The Wind chills my skin and reminds me that it's still a wintery-spring.

It's a beautiful spring tease.

Confessions of a formerly Obese Runner

So, I was running yesterday around Sugarhouse Park and I realized that I fall into the category of "runner judging other people who run". I don't mean to do this and it's mostly a critique of myself; however, I really don't like to be passed by another runner who has chubbier, jigglier legs than me.

I know that just because some are larger than the little toothpicks on the magazines doesn't mean that they are necessarily OUT OF SHAPE. And I would know this more than most. I used to weigh 200 lbs. and have always been the thicker athlete in school. So I should understand! I just wasn't expecting my own head to tell me that I needed to pick it up because flubber over there just passed me. It did give me the anger (at myself) to finish my long run of the week though.



I'm the one on the left. feeding my face. 200lbs.

Come Unto God

My Heavenly Father is (as has been taught to me):

-loving
-always there
-understanding
-all powerful (that makes him sound like the all powerful OZ)
-Creator
-Father of all mankind
-we pray to Him

As an adult my experience with Him has been less tangible than I remember as a child. I remember really feeling that he was around. Really there when I needed. Really going to answer my questions. I realize that I know Him less and less by the day.

We never really talk about Him. We do, however, talk about Jesus Christ our Lord plenty. Now, do not misunderstand me. I do not, by any means, want to discredit what Jesus has done for me and you, but I do want to distinguish between the two individuals. (They are 2 distinct beings each having a body of flesh and bone)

My relationship with the Christ has had 25 years to develop and I consider Him as my personal friend, but I feel as though my relationship with my Father has had significantly less tenderness shown to it.

What I know and feel about my Heavenly Father at the present time:

-Silence
-neglect
-I feel as though He is just watching and waiting
-I think that He trusts me
-I'm fairly angry
-He created some amazingly beautiful things in this world (I hope someday I will be able to see and experience them all)
-He blessed me with a loving husband who supports in ways that no one else could have


I know that God expects things out of all of us. In Lev. 11:44-45, He commands us to be "holy" because He is holy. How do I become holy when I do not know His holiness?

We all know that God's purpose is to "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." (Moses 1:39) And our purpose is to "keep my commandment, yea, with all your might, mind and strength." (DC 11:20) Now this implies that we must know the commandments first to be able to keep them. So study of the gospel is imperative. Right, STUDY. Check.

So, if I know all the commandments then I'll know what God wants. And if I know what God wants then I will know Him. Correct? But where are His emotions? I can only recall His emotions being recorded at the death of Jesus Christ. "And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent;" (Matt 27:51)

The Bible Dictionary says that "God can be known only by revelation. he must be revealed, or remain forever unknown." How come the more I study and know, the farther away I feel? I prayed a whole lot before, but answers are just not a luxury I acquire. I used to just figure that He trusted me to make decisions, and I just made them. So far, they have worked out well. It gets pretty lonely after many years of listening to others share their stories about all their prayers being answered daily. But how come He wont let me in?

"Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time"

I don't know how many of you have read the talk "Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time" from the last session of General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but it was a good one. I didn't remember this particular talk nor any other being particularly important to me back in October, but it really affected me today.

I was trying to find the best possible way to begin (I know that I'm late) my quest through Lent. So, I thought that I would read a bit about faith. Although I know that my faith isn't as weak as it used to be there is always room for improvement. And reading what this little 3-year-old boy felt after driving through a severe snow storm with his father really got to me. He told his mother, on the phone, "Hope ya know, we had a hard time." That is exactly how I feel.

So, I guess I have found what I need to work on. My faith in God the Father is lacking just a little. It's hard when you can talk and He doesn't really respond -not verbally and sometimes not at all. Which makes me want to just yell and scream at Him "I hope you know, I'm having a really hard time." Now I know he knows, but sometimes it would be nice to really know. Any little bit of encouragement and support that lets me know that I'm not crazy would be great.

Spring Cleaning?

Spring is coming. We all had our mothers (if nothing else) talk about "spring cleaning." Now, contrary to what it looks like, I do believe that cleaning should happen all year round and not just in the Spring. However, I obviously missed the boat this winter season. And I'm not even that swamped with important things to do.







My husbands playful spirit has rubbed off on me. I want to say a little too much, but it has certainly kept me sane this year. So, I guess I can be grateful for my messy house.

Happy Birthday Cards from Relief Society

Now I know that I should be appreciative of these woment who are trying their best to help me feel "included;" however, when I recieve a Birthday card in the mail(deposited illegally because it had no addresses and no postage) that is 2 months late and is addressed to me by my First Middle and Last names it causes the opposite reaction for me. No one who is REALLY my friend addresses me by my full name. and the card said Hello on the front. It's homemade-print happy birthday on it!

Okay, okay. I know they wanted to send me best wishes and let me know that I am not forgotten. I know. It just gets to me.

2 months late. If it's ever that far gone, don't bother. I am fine without the generic card from Relief Society.

Okay. I can breathe.