Have you ever had a co-worker, friend (you thought was close), family member, stranger, or fellow church goer say that you were the problem? It was all your fault that there was contention within a group of people? And that you are the bad influence on everyone around?
I never thought I would. OH, I DID!
What happened? What did you do?
Did you avoid that person/people forever?
Did you keep your kids from playing together?
How much did your situation alter your life?
How did it impact you emotionally?
I seriously need your advice on this one.
4 comments:
Ugg, that stinks. I'm sorry someone told you that. How annoying! I guess my advice would be to forget about it. There are so many people out there that have no problem saying things about other people because they have problems with themselves. It also depends on who told said that to you. Obviously if it's family you can't exactly never talk to them again.... well I guess you could but might make family gatherings interesting. If it's a friend you can do one of two things, not be friends with them anymore. Obviously they aren't the best of friends with you if they are willing to say that about you, or just ignore it and try to act like nothing happened. (But that is easier said than done). You could also confront them about it and ask them why they feel that way. Don't let it boil up inside of you though, it won't help matters at all. That's just my advice. Hope it helps.
I have but I have a relatively passive approach to these types of things. If someone or something I love is being attacked then I pull out all the stops to defend them but when it's me being attacked I find that the less you defend the more battles you win.
I'm not really sure on the whole situation here but whenever someone starts accusing me of something and I know they are wrong I just look back with an annoyed (or humorous if I want to tick them off) expression and let them rant. When they are done I don't agree with them I just say ok and if they ask if I have anything to say I just say, "no, not really." or something to that affect. Works great to nullify their argument and make them feel silly at the same time. This is how I avoided being chastised for most of my life.
Of course if you are in the wrong in the situation a different response would be to agree and try to change.
Plus it depends on the person and how open you want to be with that individual. This is how I am to people in an authority position that try to accuse me of something. When it comes to friends I try to be more open and hope they are open to my explanations as well. If they aren't then I haven't had that experience yet that I can remember. Hope that helps on some level.
Oh and as far as not keeping silent goes I heard a quote about that today. It's from the book Tinkers where a man is describing his ex-wife's silences as "silences that broke like thin ice beneath you to announce you're drowning." I liked that. Silence kept will eventually break but if you hold it in then when it breaks it will just be to announce that tragedy has already happened. Break the silence earlier and hopefully amends can be made :)
Seems that you already have decided to step back and analyze - which is good. Sometimes I forget and react and most times have regrets. Sometimes I react in my head and I end up with internal guilt. Analysis is preferred because sometimes with a little research you find out some pertinent information that may nullify what your friend/family member just told you. Also analyze the source - are they little angels amongst your group or do they cause troubles themselves? What if they told you this just to satisfy their own needs to be recognized amongst your group or to justify their own existence. I've learned to analyze strategies amongst my coworkers. What are your risks? Is this someone who has marked you as someone you are not worth your time? Then, if my external analysis brings me nowhere I go directly to the person and confront the 'problem' - get it straight from the horse's mouth. When talking to the source, as I stumble through the reason that I have come to them and ask them to explain if what I heard was true, or if I explain my actions (to which sometimes they respond - "what are you talking about? - usu. when some crazy person wants to see you suffer...), it turns out positive. I always feel good when I have explained myself and feel that my side of the story has been given. After that it is up to the person(s) around you to move on. Otherwise there is nothing you can do and you probably need to accept that your friendship was doomed anyway. If you friends are going to treat you that way now, you should not be surprised if it happens in the future.
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