Thursday, January 15, 2009

"I feel like I am being swallowed. . ."

The beginning, as wonderous and exciting as it is, is difficult. Especially when you live in the Mormon Culture.

I have feelings that are not freely spoken of.

I feel like I am being swallowed by the culture.

It's hard to define the difference between the gospel truths and cultural traditions.

I understand people who don't understand Mormons.

I understand their frustration and sometimes hatred.

I feel it too on occasion.

I am a lifetime member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I believe the gospel with all my heart. I know that what Christ taught was eternal truths, and that they can be implemented in life to accentuate it.

I read the scriptures when I feel like it. Not daily. Realistically, I have other things that I do first.

I hate attending my ward. There are good people there, but most of the time I want to pull my ears off when they say the things they do.

I do not trust the bishop. No one cares that he works at the church office building; he doesn't need to remind us every week. And just because his job includes helping to compile the C.E.S. manuals doesn't make him any kind of expert. (I don't need to be reminded of that either.)

I love the stake president. He is the first Priesthood leader I have had in over three years that will actually listen to me.

Negative feelings and emotions are definitely attached to the church for me. Although I don't leave. I don't REALLY want to. (even if once in a while, I do yell "I'm NEVER going back") Reminding myself constantly that the gospel is what is important gets harder and harder each day.

But I keep reminding myself.

3 comments:

Tina Mac said...

All of us have feeling like these. We just have to trust in our Father in Heaven and our Savior Jesus Christ as they know our plan. They reviewed it with us before we left them and they and there for us when we can't find our way.

We have to constantly remind ourselves which side of the fence we want to be on. I promise you and all who read this that it will one day be sooooo worth it.

Thanks for having this space for sharing.

I said...

I got here by blog hopping, but I just wanted you to know that I have felt the exact same way as you. I found an awesome site, run by some fabulous Mormon ladies, and it might be up your alley.

http://feministmormonhousewives.org

Hope that helps. It made me feel not so alone. Good luck!

Tali said...

hey! I have many of the same feelings as you know from our conversation on saturday (thank you by the way because I needed that), I have been reminding myself teh church is perfectt the people are not. but how to deal with the people in the church is the hard part for me. I am trying to look at it through the eyes of love. then I can start to feel compassion for those people, but its still hard.

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