That Special Moment

There's that special moment.  The one where truth is discovered, happiness ensues, and the desire to testify of the light becomes a priority.  Bearing testimony is now part of life.  Family and friends need to hear, they need to understand, and they need to come to the truth.  

This swell of happiness contrasts with the despair of watching loved ones disregard the truth.  They scoff at true joy.  Someday they will receive confirmation of the beauty of the truth.  Love them even though they sin.  Be an example of the happiness they can come to know.  They will experience the comfort eventually.

Then, it happens.  A loved one asks about the joy.  What sustains enthusiasm about life - even a life with trials?  Seize the opportunity.  Bear testimony.  

They contemplate.  Emotion is overwhelming, and they know.  They know of the happiness.  They know they believe.  They join.  Happiness and love expand beyond expectation.  And finally, safety is achieved.  Forever Family. . . accomplished.


I was taught this experience in many different ways.  This is the experience every Mormon knows they are born to have.  The day they get to share their testimony with a "non-believer," and get to see the work of God through the Holy Ghost.  Testifying of truth is what Mormons stand for; live for.  "Every member a missionary."  The moment when that non-believer listens, feels of the spirit, and wants to come to the truth is fantasmic.  It's a special moment to help bring someone into the fold of the everlasting gospel.

It's because of this moment that every member, in my opinion, should be able to relate somehow to my experience a year ago.

LAST YEAR:

My church-going days had just finished.  I couldn't handle it anymore.  I spent my Sundays at the pool with my hubby and kids, or hiking, or visiting friends and family.  We had a glorious Summer.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

So, when my Hubby stopped going to church, I didn't mention it.  I realistically didn't even notice for a couple of months.  When my Hubby wanted to go run a Spartan race on a Sunday, I didn't protest; except for wanting to go too. (I don't really like to vacation separately) But, I couldn't go.  When my Hubby came back from this trip, he stopped reminding me to wash the whites (I always forget to get to them; they are our smallest load), which left my insides to do the Carlton dance, but I didn't say anything.  I was just going to let this one unfold.  I didn't want to push.  I wanted it so badly, I didn't want to disrupt the Universe by jumping the gun.  I thought I would just let him tell me what was going on.  When he was ready, of course.

Weeks went by.  We fell into the normalcy of school, work, training, etc.  Life was just happening.  Then the last quarter of the year needed to be planned, and along with planning activities for the holiday season always comes the discussion of finances.  Finances, when on a tight budget, are always hard to discuss.  Even more so, when tithing is brought into the mix.

I brought up tithing.

Me: "Honey, I want to discuss tithing again."

Hubby:  "Oh, yeah?  What about it?"

Me: "Well. . .  I don't want to pay it anymore. At all." (Keep in mind we are talking about his portion, since mine was already not going to the LDS conglomerate.)

It's here that I'm cringing in anticipation of his answer.  Oh, no!  What's he going to say?  What are we going to do?

My Hubby:  "Okay."  Like it was nothing!  He barely looked up from whatever he was reading.  His peeking was probably only to see the shocked look on my face.

Me:  "What?!  Really?!"

From here the conversation moved to "what's going on?" and a WHOLE LOT of "are you sure?" I was stunned.  Shocked.  In disbelief.  There is probably no one out there more surprised, than I was.  I thought we were going to have a life of continuous struggling to figure out how to make a dual-faith family work. I was sure my Hubby would always be a believer.  It felt like a dream for many weeks.

A dream that melted into reality.

The missionary moment when someone says "yes" to being baptized.  The Mormon parent moment when your kid is baptized, confirmed, ordained, or sealed.  The "every member a missionary" moment when a "fallen" family member returns to the fold.  And... the ex-Mormon moment when your spouse tells you they're leaving too.

They are all the same.  The same excitement.  The same love.  The same joy.

Don't be sad for us.  I'm not sad for you.  We have found our happiness, and are blessed to be able to do it together.  Be happy we're happy.  We're happy you're happy.

Side Note:  This, along with all other posts, is completely my view of what happened. My Hubby is always willing to give his side of the story.  Please feel free to ask him about it.

The Book of Mormon: the musical

Last year, I heard that The Capitol Theatre in Salt Lake City was getting The Book of Mormon musical. I almost bought season tickets just so I could attend this one production.  Alas, our current young-married-have-children-financial-situation just didn't allow for me to do that.  I was really sad, until, in December, the opportunity for me to get tickets became available and I jumped at the chance. Not only was I going to be able to go, but I was going with a bunch of new friends that have experienced the same transition I have.  So stoked.

The past 6 months have been filled with the music in preparation for the show.  I have giggled and teared up as I listened through the story.  All the while, getting more excited to see it.  So, by the time I got to The Capitol Theatre, I was afraid that the show wasn't going to measure up to my expectations.

We walked in, down the aisle toward our seats, past the group surrounding John Dehlin, and sat down.  On stage was an archway topped with a golden angel Moroni depicting an LDS temple. 

From the moment that golden Moroni started to rotate to the final "I still have maggots in my scrotum," this show had the audience rolling in the aisles with laughter.  The Book of Mormon covered every basic doctrine and cultural oddity involved with the LDS religion.

In the beginning, there was role playing from the MTC, the desire missionaries have to pray for and receive (because of their righteousness) the call to exactly where they want to go, the charismatic missionary getting stuck with the awkward companion, and the more-righteous companion knowing that he would be the one to lead the companionship into changing the world and impress God.

When these missionaries finally get to Africa, they get a serious culture shock.  The political, social, and religious privilege addressed throughout this production is considerable.  However, it probably doesn't even begin to touch the misunderstanding of one's own privilege as a missionary from a first world country.

"Turn It Off" was one of my favorite songs in the first half.  It was the one song that I had pictured completely wrong.  The situation in my head was great, but the situation on stage was AMAZING.    Dismissal of one's own feelings, doubts, and misunderstandings is preached all day, every day in the LDS Church.   This song covers a wide range of situations where this practice is taught, differing views, and how they are all culturally accepted without question.  Oh, because we "turn it off."

The Book of Mormon was not all cultural teasing, it was filled with the Joseph Smith story too.  It expressed how Joseph saw God.  How he was told to get plates of gold from the ground.  How he met Moroni.  How the gold plates were kept from being seen.  How Joseph wrote down what he read from the plates, and then published the Book of Mormon as the "third book in the trilogy."  Joseph speaks to God often.  God needs the Mormons to head west to paradise.  How the Mormons kept making people angry, and then had to keep moving to a new paradise was also covered.  Joseph Smith was shot.  Brigham Young was the next prophet.  Joseph died for what he believed in.  Brigham Young got the Mormons to Salt Lake City, and they all have big mormon families.  All true and the basis for this beautifully complicated religion.

By the time intermission hit, my face ached from the grin that was plastered to my face. 
My heart was full and I couldn't believe we were half way already.  The 15 minute intermission was almost torture to wait through. But we survived.  A good thing, too; because the second half blew me away. 

The missionary stretching a principle so it can apply to an investigators life, the Spooky Mormon Hell Dream, and the investigator agreeing to be baptized so that she will be taken to a better life in "Sal Tlay Ka Siti" are perfect examples of what can and has happened to many people in the LDS church.

"Joseph Smith American Moses" was the most shocking song in the second half.  Many missionaries, despite their best efforts, don't have investigators understand their teachings in the way that they expect them to.  The misunderstanding of gospel teachings is summed up beautifully in this hilarious song.  However, the basic principles of each gospel story were somehow understood.  Crazy.

That was the most shocking song, but my favorite song was "Tomorrow Is A Latter Day."  It was my favorite because it brings everyone, no matter what their choices are concerning the religious cafeteria that Mormons have created, they are all still Latter-Day Saints.  In the latter day, they are there for each other, they are happy, they love everyone, and life is perfect. 

This show surpassed every expectation I thought I had.  I plan on seeing it every time I get the chance.  If you have left Mormonism, you will love this show.  If you are an active Mormon that can acknowledge all the craziness that fills the culture, then you will probably enjoy this show.  If you are a True Blue Mormon, pretty conservative, and didn't relate to the things I mentioned above, then you will NOT like this show.  Don't go see it.

If you are up for a night of side-splitting, OMG my face hurts laughter, then The Book of Mormon is the right choice for you.   Get ready for a crazy ride.  You're gonna love it.

Discussion: LGBT issues

It's June.  When I was younger this meant no school, softball tournaments begin, swimming, and BBQs. Now, June means Pride Parades and Festivals begin, swimming, BBQs, fairs, and Hiking.  This year, like last, we were able to walk in the Utah Pride Parade.  We walk as allies.

Twelve years ago, I didn't know allies were needed.  I was naive about the teachings from my own church concerning LGBT issues.  I was naive about the treatment of LGBT people in their daily lives.  I was naive about the view of LGBT people all over the country and world.  And I had no idea about the huge number of LGBT suicides every year; especially in my own state.

I thought that love was love.  I lived in my own little world where I thought we each lived and let others live. I grew up with a member of my family who is gay.  It was a normal thing at our house.  More like, NOT a thing.  I thought that life with a gay family member was fine, happy, loving even.  It never occurred to me that loving my Uncle could be looked down upon, was unacceptable, or bad.  Then, my eyes were opened. . .

I was sitting in a sociology class at BYU-Idaho and our new topic to discuss was LGBT equality.  We discussed things like marriage, adoption, work opporunities, etc.  I have no idea where my professor (visiting from the University of Utah) felt about these issues, but I sure found out that I was a minority in my class concerning LGBT people.  I was the only person who questioned the reversal of roles:  "What if straight people were the minority and not allowed these simple human rights?  How would we feel when being publicly judged and condemned?  What would people do to us?  What would they say?"  Others in the class became angry and argumentative.  I was surprised.  I didn't know until then, that my views were perceived as wrong.

It was then that I removed the rose colored glasses and spent the next decade seeing my surroundings. I evaluated how I felt about cultural and religious norms, what I believe, why, and what I felt I needed to change.

Some of what I found:

Teachings/Actions of the Church:

8: The Mormon Proposition

• I watched this very first. This documentary sent me searching for answers about political activities the Church is involved in.  Hawaii.  California.  Federal proceedings. 

"8": A Play about the Fight for Marriage Equality

• I saw this live at Utah Valley University.  There were less than 100 people there.  It adds humanity to the court proceedings.

"Dear Brothers and Sisters: 

October 8, 2008 Satellite Broadcast re Propsition 8 

On Wednesday, October 8, 2008 at 7:30 p.m. PDT, there will be a satellite broadcast regarding Proposition 8 to stake centers throughout California. General Authorities and others will speak during the broadcast. 

We ask that the following please be invited to attend: stake presidencies; bishoprics and branch presidencies; stake, ward and branch Relief Society presidents; and all members working in grassroots support of the Proposition 8 campaign. 

In addition, we ask that a special invitation to attend the broadcast be extended to young single and young married adults. With only this coming Sunday to make this announcement before the broadcast, we ask that you please ensure that this invitation is personally extended to all who are invited. We greatly appreciate your support of this most important matter. 

Sincerely, 
L. Whitney Clayton
Presidency of the Seventy"

• I heard about this broadcast.  I remember being surprised that the church was butting into a political issue.  I was taught that the church NEVER told us which way to vote.  I was not there in California to hear it.  I did see clips of the video after the fact.  I cannot find those videos anymore.

"The unholy transgression of homosexuality is either rapidly growing or tolerance is giving it wider publicity.  If one has such desires and tendencies, he overcomes them the same as if he had the urge toward petting or fornication or adultery.  The Lord condemns and forbids this practice with a vigor equal to his condemnation of adultery and other such sex acts.  And the Church will excommunicate as readily any unrepentant addict.

This is a most unpleasant subject to dwell upon, but I am pressed to speak of it boldly so that no youth in the Church will ever have any question in his mind as to the illicit and diabolical nature of this perverse program.

"God made me that way," some say, as they rationalize and excuse themselves for their perversions.  "I can't help it," they add.  This is blasphemy.  Is man not made in the image of God, and does he think God to be "that way"? Man is responsible for his own sins.  It is possible that he may rationalize and excuse himself until the groove is so deep he cannot get out without great difficulty, but this he can do.  Temptations come to all people.  The difference between the reprobate and the worthy person is generally that one yielded and the other resisted.  It is true that one's background may make the decision and accomplishment easier or more difficult, but if one is mentally alert, he can still control his future.  That is the gospel message -- personal responsibility." -President Spencer W. Kimball, Oct. 1980

• So, homosexuality is an addiction?  Are those addicted to smoking, alcohol, drugs, and food excommunicated?  It's a temptation to be overcome? What about babies born with no sexual organs, or both sexual organs?  What about people born with physical or mental disabilities?  I don't think that God is using a cookie cutter for all of us or there has been a serious lapse in quality control.

"With some few, there is the temptation which seems nearly overpowering for man to be attracted to man or woman to woman.  The scriptures plainly condemn those who "dishonour their own bodies between themselves... ; men with men working that which is unseemly" (Rom. 1:24, 27) or "women [who] change the natural use into that which is against nature" (Rom. 1:26).

The gates of freedom, and the good or bad beyond, swing open or closed to the password choice.  You are free to choose a path that may lead to despair, to disease, even to death (see 2 Ne. 2:26-27).

If you choose that course, the fountains of life may dry up.  You will not experience the combination of love and struggle, the pain and pleasure, the disappointment and sacrifice, that love which, blended together in parenthood, exalts a man or a woman and leads to that fulness of joy spoken of in the scriptures (see 2 Ne. 2:25; 2 Ne. 9:18; D&C 11:13; D&C 42:61; D&C 101:36)." -Boyd K. Packer, Oct. 2000

• I cannot comprehend God telling a group of His children that they are not worthy of His love. This last paragraph is a perfect example of speech that pushes LGBT youth that will never measure up to the requirements of the Church over the edge into suicide.

"From the proclamation, we learn, "In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father."  In that realm, we learned about our eternal female identity.  We knew that we were each "a beloved... daughter of heavenly parents."  -Carole M. Stephens, April 2015 General Conference

• If spiritual identity existed before merging spirit and body together, then each individual person's male or female "role" cannot be confirmed or denied to match the one they had in the pre-existence.

"I observed that when various faiths and denominations and religions are united on marriage and family, they are also united on the values and loyalty and commitment which are naturally associated with family units.  It was remarkable for me to see how marriage and family-centered priorities cut across and superseded any political, economic, or religious differences.  When it comes to love of spouse and hopes, worries, and dreams for children, we are all the same." - Elder L. Tom Perry, April 2015 General Conference

• This is beautiful.  We are all different and that's okay.  Political, economic, and religious views don't stand in the way of us seeing each other as people.  People with families.  Families that we care for and want to receive happiness.  I think this statement might have been the most important thing that Elder Perry forgot when he followed it with...

"We want our voice to be heard against all of the counterfeit and alternative lifestyles that try to replace the family organization that God Himself established."

• Oops.  We're not all people.  We are different. Our families are real and matter, but yours are "counterfeit," so they don't matter.  And our religious differences will stand between us forever.

The Problem:

These are just a peek into the teachings that come from the LDS Church.  Yes, along with my own commentary, so that you know what I was thinking when I heard or read these things.

Here is where I run into a problem.  I've spent my life being told to "love one another," "do unto others as you would have others do unto you," be "willing to bear one another's burdens," "willing to mourn with those that mourn," and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort." All of these things taught to me as characteristics of a witness of Christ.  Characteristics that I was to spend time developing; even until death.

What happened to "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almightly God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where or what they may"?

None of the teachings about love from the Church are applied to the LGBT community.  Dismissing peoples feelings is not love.  Desiring them to change into something else is not love.  Declaring someones condemnation based on your belief, one that isn't theirs, is not love.  Demanding celibacy, a situation that will never reach the highest level of happiness, is not love.  Depriving people of the right to make decisions about their own kids is not love.  Depriving partners the ability to make medical decisions is not love.  Trying to keep a group of individuals in second-class citizen status is not love.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is trying to do these things.  And I don't agree.

Thoughts and Fears:

I don't remember having any.  I just knew that I needed to be true to myself.

Our Discussion:

This discussion might have been the shortest.  Or maybe it just felt that way to me.  We were on a date.  One that had turned into an emergency trip to Harmon's to get Benedryl.  We sat on the couch above the shopping center while we waited for the medication to take effect and just talked.

I told my Hubby about some of things I had learned.  Mostly, I talked about how I had discovered that the values I had been taught weren't being expressed by the Church; part of the foundation of which they were supposed to be built on.  "By their fruits ye shall know them," right?  But I no longer know them.  I no longer relate.  We no longer believe the same things.  And, ironically, I can no longer associate with an organization that doesn't align with my values.

What Happened:

My Hubby asked about my feelings concerning my decision.  I assume you want to know them too.  Originally, I was sad.  Experiencing grief, even.  Grieving for the loss of my religious organization.  As most Mormons will attest to, "The Church" is part of us.  It's part of our identity.  It's weaved into our daily lives.  Every moment of every second is laced with it.  It's why we take a disagreement about religion personally.  We have a hard time finding separation between ourselves and the religion.  So, when I decide to separate myself from the religion, it's painful.  It feels like someone just told me that Santa Claus isn't real.   It warrants many tears.  But also comes with the calming assurance that this is right.  For me, love will always be the right choice.

22 April 2015 REMEMBERS 22 April 2005

Ten years ago today, I got a phone call that changed my world.  For better or worse?  That's all a matter of opinion.  And for me, that depends on my day and mood.

2005:

I was sitting at a small brown desk, in my black skirt and button up shirt.  Studying.  Both of my companions were sitting at the kitchen table engrossed in their early morning scripture study.  The phone rang.  We all looked up, startled.  Because this is a very odd time for us to be receiving a call.  My senior companion gets up to answer the phone.  Before she gets to it, I say, "It's for me."  I knew.  I can't explain it.  I just knew.  And I knew it was bad.

My companion hands me the phone.  It's the little old lady at the Mission Office.  She tells me that my cousin passed away yesterday.  I started pestering her with questions.  NONE, of which, she could answer.  I tell her that I'm going to call home.  She stammers, "oh.....oh......okay."  I hang up.

I knew it.  It had been weeks coming.  I had told my Mission President months ago that someone was going to go.  He told me I had nothing to worry about.  By doing this, he was telling me that my feelings/intuition/spiritual revelation or whatever you want to call it, meant nothing.  NOTHING!!  And he was wrong.

The next few weeks were terrible.  I couldn't concentrate during personal or companion study.  I couldn't go out and preach to people.  I stood in one person's doorway, let them get to me, yelled at them, realized what I was doing,  then just turned and walked away.  All while my companion was left, dumbfounded at the door.  I wouldn't tract after that.  Something had to be done.

The only person worth trusting and listening to was my companion.  She saved me.  She let me know that everything would be okay.  That our Mission President was being an ass and a coward for not addressing his obvious lack of revelation/spiritual guidance concerning me and my situation.  His lack of care.  She helped me find the courage to do what my heart and mind had been telling me since I got off the MTC bus at the SLC airport.  Be Strong.  Be Yourself.  Be Confident.  Listen to your soul.  GO HOME.

I went home.  I went home with all the emotional baggage expected from someone who had just discovered the true order of Men and Women in my church.  I learned that the organization was more important than the individual members, that women are not really taken seriously, and that standing up for myself would leave me vulnerable to personal attacks from within the church.

Mostly I learned to stand up.  In a community that keeps the status quo at all costs, I stood.  Timid at first, but I was up.  Confidence, strength, and gumption all grew over time and kept me standing.  My thirst for honesty and truth combined with my conviction for equality helped my feet move me to a place of true happiness and love.

2015:

This year was the first year I could mourn my cousins passing without anger.  There was so much tied to that one phone call that I never truly grieved.  This past year has been one of grieving.  Grieving for his soul taken too soon.  Grieving for our bond that I miss.  He was funny, charismatic, and fiercely loyal.  He looked out for me when I was a freshman coming up to the High School.  He was even proud to acknowledge that we were related.  My protector.  He came to all of my Softball games.  (yes, I know his girlfriend was on my team, but he was still there.)  He took me out on the freeway for the first time when I was 16 when no one else wanted to take me.  He was my closest cousin.  He was my friend.  I am truly blessed to have known him.

Not one day goes by that I don't think about my cousin.  I miss him.  I wish he was here.  And before now, his death was tied to me recognizing all the terrible aspects of my religious life.  I must acknowledge the significance of that phone call on that horrible day.  The peace and joy I have found are a direct result of the call.  And I can finally separate the two instances.  I can happily remember my cousin and his beautiful life.  It's not tied to my 10 years of struggle through the trenches of LDS policy and culture anymore.  They finally stand on their own.

Big things happen on 10 year anniversaries.  This anniversary gives me peace.  It gives me a piece of happiness back that I thought was stripped from me.  It gives me that ability to say good-bye and remember the joy of the days that were.

Good-bye, Dave.  I Love You.

Discussion: The Temple: Initiatory and The Endowment

WARNING:  In this discussion I will talk about the Temple.  I will quote from the endowment.  I will NOT, out of respect for all those that hold dear and truly believe, be sharing names, signs, or tokens.  Please understand this was a HUGE topic for us to tackle, which we did many, many times.  This is the basis of our conversation.

LDS Church Teachings (and some of my history):

The temple was a beautiful castle.  The place I wanted to be married.  The beauty and elegance was placed in front of me as the ultimate goal.  The place I would get to make covenants with God.

I love to see the temple.

I'm going there someday

To feel the Holy Spirit,

To listen and to pray.

For the temple is a house of God,

A place of love and beauty.

I'll prepare myself while I am young;

This is my sacred duty.

I love to see the temple.

I'll go inside someday.

I'll cov'nant with my Father;

I'll promise to obey.

For the temple is a holy place

Where we are sealed together.

As a child of God, I've learned this truth:

A fam'ly is forever.

Janice Kapp Perry

Children's Song Book

The place where I could study and learn new wonders of Gods plan and the gospel.  The temple is "a house of learning. There we are taught in the Master's way."  --Elder Russell M. Nelson

So, I did all the things that would allow me to enter the temple:

1. Pray Always
2. Read my Scriptures Daily
3. Keep the Commandments
4. Be morally clean
5. Pay tithing
6. Practice the law of health (WOW)
7. Have no affiliation with any organization that does not live up to these standards

I held a temple recommend every year since I was 12 years old.  The youth of our ward went often to the temple to participate in Baptisms for the Dead.  When I was old enough to have friends that could drive, we went to the temple to do baptisms weekly.  By this time I was also participating in Seminary 2-3 times per week.  (I had release time for Seminary)  I read my scriptures often.  My youth scriptures looked like this:

Yes, I had a different set of scriptures for different periods of my life.  No, they didn't really shut. Having multiple sets of scriptures was a way for me to see my progression in my scripture studies.  I went to all the firesides I could.  I loved attending the temple to do baptisms.  I really wanted to do all the things I needed to so that I could participate fully in God's greatest blessings.

I received my Endowment in 2005. The Initiatory was interesting, but fine.  The endowment session was nothing new.  It was a reiteration of the Plan of Happiness, with a few extra details.  A lot of standing, sitting, standing, and then sitting again.  We raised our arm to the square multiple times in the exact same manner as is done to sustain church leaders in any other meeting within the church.  Nothing too out of the ordinary.  I did, however, finally understand why people outside of the church would think that we were a cult.  All the standing and sitting and raising of our right hands, it just made sense.  But it was all good, because I knew we were not a cult.  But I could now understand the misinterpretation. 

The temple was beautiful.  The windows, the chandeliers, the furniture, everything. . . gorgeous.  It was quiet and peaceful.  And I remember being disappointed that there was no wonderous mystery revealed to me that day.  But I returned often so that whatever I had missed on that first exciting day, I would not dismiss in future visits.

Sadly, for years I missed them.  I missed the subjugation that I was being placed under.  I missed that my covenants were made with my husband and not my Father in Heaven.  I missed what the temple endowment declares as my eternal role.

Within the Temple Endowment:

to the SISTERS:  "Sisters, you have been washed and anointed to become hereafter Queens and Priestesses to your husbands."

to the MEN:  "Brethren, you have been washed and pronounced clean, or that through your faithfulness, you may become clean from the blood and sins of this generation.  You have been anointed to become hereafter Kings and Priests unto the Most High God, to rule and reign in the House of Isreal forever."

to the SISTERS (indirectly):  "We will form a woman to be a companion and help meet for him."

to the MEN:  (there is no equivalent declaration of companion)

to the SISTERS (indirectly):  "Elohim:  What will you call her?  Adam:  Eve.  Because she is the mother of all living"

to the MEN:  "We give you dominion over all these things, and make you, Adam, Lord over the whole earth, and all things on the face thereof."

declared by the SISTERS:  "Adam, I now covenant to obey the Law of the Lord, and to hearken to your counsel as you hearken unto the Father."  (This is the ONLY time we covenant with any specific person and it's "Adam.")

declared by the MEN:  "Elohim, I now covenant with thee that from this time forth I will obey thy law and keep thy commandments."

From then on, no one seems to covenant with anyone, even God.  We all "covenant before God."  Also, when asked to participate in the True Order of Prayer the women are not allowed to be in Gods presence.  They are asked to cover themselves.  "The sisters in the room will please veil their faces."  And the men are never required to separate themselves from God in any similar manner.

I spent 25 years being told things like:

"Every woman has as certain a right to approach the throne of deity in prayer as does any man.  I am convinced that our Father in Heaven loves His daughters as much as He loves His sons and that He is as ready to hear their pleas and grant their petitions."  -- Gordon B. Hinckley, One Bright Shining Hope, pg. 40

"Rise to the great potential within you."  -- Gordon B. Hinckley, One Bright Shining Hope, Pg. 11

"Be a woman of Christ.  Cherish your esteemed place in the sight of God.  He needs you.  This church needs you.  The world needs you."  --Jefferey R. Holland, To Young Women, Nov. 2005

"He hears your prayers.  He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations.  And He knows what you can become through faith in Him.  Because of this divine heritage you, along with all of your spiritual sisters and brothers, have full equality in His sight and are empowered through obedience to become a rightful heir in His eternal kingdom, an "[heir] of God, and joint-[heir] with Christ." --Jefferey R. Holland, To Young Women, Nov. 2005

The Problem:

My Hubby wanted to understand why I didn't want to go to the temple anymore and why it was a touchy subject.

Thoughts and Fears:

What if my Hubby doesn't understand?

What if he thinks I should fill my declared role?

What if he doesn't care?

What if he thinks my reasons are stupid?

The Conversation:

This discussion was filled with a lot of me talking.  Understandably because we're talking about my personal experience and feelings.  My Hubby asked a whole lot of questions and then listened.  We went through all the above mentioned information and SO much more.   My Hubby hadn't previously recognized any of the inequalities, but when would he?  If the men all just pay attention to their part of the endowment, then they would never notice.  And the phrasing of the endowment for both men and women is so similar that they might just assume that we are repeating the same thing they did.  I mean, I don't think I always paid complete attention to what the men were repeating.

The issue was that I was taught of equality for men and women.  An equal partnership in marriage and life.  Then I entered the temple, this supposed miraculous place of peace and joy, only to find that I am not equal.  I don't get the opportunity to covenant with God.  I don't have any interaction with God at all.  I have to have a mediator.  Someone to relay commands and guidance from God to me.   I don't get to choose what I want to be.  We are commanded to be "Queens and Priestesses to your husbands,"  and become a "companion and help meet" to them and to take our place as mother.  In one moment, every dream and aspiration I ever had was taken from me and replaced with my duty to my husband.

This is disturbing to me.  This is a contradiction of teachings.  This is why I cannot attend the temple.  I will not submit to the notion that I am less than.  The notion that I require permission and guidance to speak to the God I was taught loved me for me.  God is described as respecting me as much as He respects my male counterpart.  I am expected to spend my life making and keeping myself "worthy" to be in his presence, the temple, only to find that He demands that I cover myself and never receive instruction directly from Him.  These expressions of women being unworthy is malicious.  And I can't be in a place that causes my heart pain.

What Happened:

My Hubby understood the best he could.  We talked about this often.  My Hubby is an advocate for equality, so he sympathizes in the best way a male Mormon can; loving me and supporting me in my decision not to attend the temple.

Discussion Fail: Temple Attendance

Since I have discussed a few successful discussions, maybe it's time I talked about a discussion fail.  I didn't know it failed until recently, but thinking back, it totally did.


LDS Church Teachings:

"I know your lives are busy.  I know that you have much to do.  But I make you a promise that if you will go to the house of the Lord, you will be blessed; life will be better for you."  

-Gordon B. Hinckley

"Always have the temple in your sights.  Do nothing which will keep you from entering its doors and partaking of sacred and eternal blessings there."

-Thomas S. Monson

Any work you do in the temple is time well spent, but receiving ordinances vicariously for one of your own ancestors will make the time in the temple more sacred, and even greater blessings will be received."

-Richard G. Scott

"Each holy temple stands as a symbol of our membership in the church, as a sign of our faith in the life after death, and as a sacred step toward eternal glory for us and our families."

-Russell M. Nelson

"Hundreds of thousands of faithful members participate in the unselfish service we call "temple work" which has no motive other than love and service for our fellowmen living and dead."

-Dallin H. Oaks

The Problem:

I wanted to make sure that my Hubby knew I was okay with him going.

Thoughts and Fears:

I hope he doesn't think he can't go to the temple.

If he wants to go, then he should go.

It will probably be hard to go alone.

I want him to go, but I want him to stay and spend time with the family, but I want him to go. . .  If he wants to.

How do I handle him wanting to spend time away from family time?

Will I really be okay with him going?

How often will he want to go?  It might be a lot.

I want him to spend time with the family, but I want him to go, but I want him to spend time with the family.

The Conversation:

This conversation was a bit different.  I brought it up.  I really wanted my Hubby to know that I respect his beliefs.  I wanted him to know he could take time to practice those beliefs.  I tried to verbalize that.  I tried to be compassionate.  I tried to be supportive.  I tried to be encouraging.  But I failed. . . miserably.  

Our little discussion was quick and (I thought) easy.  I told my Hubby all the supportive things I could.  Said it was all okay, but he just didn't buy it.  He questioned me with something like, "Are you sure?  You're not going to resent me for going and taking away from family time on the weekends?"  I assured him that it would all be okay.  I would not resent him.  I'm not sure that was completely true.  I wanted it to be true.  But I just don't think it was.


What Happened:

I since discovered that he always knew I would be resentful.  And he was probably right.  At the time, I was in my most angry stage about Church issues; where almost everything church-related set off my rage.  So, it's probably true that I would have been angry.   It would have also added extra stress on our marriage.   I just thought that we were too busy or he just didn't choose to go.  But, no matter how he decided, my Hubby never really attended the temple.  

Discussion: Word of Wisdom (Law of Health)

Many of our conversations have happened multiple times.  This one included.  The first time we talked about the Word of Wisdom (WOW) was over a year ago.

LDS Church Teachings:

"The Word of Wisdom put restrictions on members of the Church.   To this day those regulations apply to every member and to everyone who seeks to join the church.  They are so compelling that no one is to be baptized into the Church without first agreeing to live by them.  No one will be called to teach or lead unless they accept them.  When you want to go to the temple you will be asked if you keep the Word of Wisdom.  If you do not, you cannot go to the house of the Lord until you are fully worthy."  

-Boyd K. Packer, General Conference April 1996

The teachings of the WOW come from the Doctrine and Covenants chapter 89.  It discusses the DOs and DONTs of eating and drinking for the saints.

• No wine or strong drink (v5-7)
• No tobacco (v8)
• No hot drinks (v9)
• Use herbs (v10-11)
• Eat meat sparingly (v12-13)
• Eat all grains (v14-16)
• Eat fruit (v16)
• Grains for mild drinks (v17)

Blessings that come from following the WOW:

• "health in their navel and marrow in their bones." (v18)
• find wisdom and great treasures (v19)

"And then there is a greater blessing promised in the Word of Wisdom.  Those who obey it are promised that they "shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures" (D&C 89:19).  This is the personal revelation through which you can detect invisible crocodiles or hidden mines or other dangers."

- Boyd K. Packer, General Conference April 1996

• run and not be weary, walk and not faint (v20)

Gods promise to those who keep this commandment:

• the destroying angel shall pass by them and not slay them.  (v21)

The Problem:

My Hubby wants to know if I'm going to start drinking.

Thoughts and Fears:

• Do I want to?
• What do I know about it?
• He will just think I'm going to become an alcoholic.
• He will think this is the reason I don't believe; just so I can sin without guilt.

The Conversation:

My hubby started this conversation too.  He asked if I was going to drink.  I didn't know.  At this point, I'm still trying to figure out what I believe and don't believe.  Which values are mine and which ones have been forced onto me.  The WOW was one of those topics I was going to get to, but was not there yet.  There were others significantly more important for me to figure out first.  

I am also a complete water drinker.  I drink over 100 oz. of water in a day.  I love water.  Not water that has anything in it, just plain water.  I rarely drink juice.  I never drink soda.  And I never drink those things because I just don't like to drink my calories.  So, alcohol was just not on my radar.

The Compromise:

There wasn't really anything to compromise.  Nothing was changing in my habits concerning what I was drinking, so the purpose filled by our discussion was to ease my Hubby's fears.  

Full Disclosure:  

In the interest of full disclosure, this first conversation about alcohol was over a year ago and since then I do have the occasional cocktail.  I haven't tried beer.  I've only tried one wine.  It was no good.  I haven't found a tea that I like.  I think they all taste like grass.  And I haven't spent any time in the coffee arena.  Although I LOVE the smell. 

Discussion: Extended Family Church Activities

 So we are clear, Extended Family Church Activities means baptisms, confirmations, blessings, talks, musical numbers, farewells, homecomings, etc.  Events we could be invited to watch and/or participate in from our extended family and close friends.

LDS Church Teachings:

I am currently unaware of any official stance on this topic.

The Problem:

My Hubby was unsure whether I would attend activities we were invited to or if he would have to attend alone.

Thoughts and Fears:

This particular topic was not brought up by me.  My Hubby was the one to bring it up.  It would be unfair to express what I think his feelings were, so I won't.   However, I did ask him why he thought he needed to bring it up.  I will talk about that.

Based off of my frustration and sometimes anger that followed classes, talks, or even casual discussions with members, my Hubby thought that I would not want to be where any church topic was brought up.  I had already gotten to a place where I could no longer attend our ward meetings every week, and rarely, if ever, attend activities with our ward.  I don't think this was an unfair assumption based off of my actions, but we learned early on in our marriage that assumptions are dangerous.  No matter how much "evidence" we have to back it up.  So, he asked me.

The Conversation:

This conversation was pretty uneventful.  To me, this was a non-issue.  Family is family.  And supporting the family in their activities is super important.  When he asked me I responded that we would of course attend.  The discussion quickly turned to "What part of participating in these activities can we control enough to minimize potential triggers to my frustration and anger?"

Every event will be different and require its own plan for successful attendance.  So we came up with a handful of questions to assess the situation before we go.

Which side of the family is this event for?  (each handles celebrations/activities differently)

When is it?

Do we have plans that day?

Can we change the plans?

Do we have to take the kids?

Are we being asked to participate directly with the event?

For how long is the event scheduled?

How long are we going to stay?

Will there be food? (this isn't to know if I will be able to satisfy my stomach while there, but to lessen stress concerning allergies in our little family)

Who else will be attending?  (This might sound "SO junior high," but for someone who's beliefs are in the process of change, this question might just be the most important one. We all know "Testify. Testify. Testify." is at the forefront of all LDS mantras and it's urgency skyrockets as soon as Mormons are in the presence of someone who isn't believing; ESPECIALLY at a church function.  So, knowing who is there and their probability of testifying at me is important.  I just want to be there to show support, not be preached at.)

What's the escape plan if the situation becomes unbearable? (yes, I said escape.)


Our Compromise:

Every time we get invited to a church function we assess the situation, plan accordingly, and have to come to an agreement for the escape plan.  I don't remember the last time we had to use the escape plan, but creating it together is the biggest stress reliever for any situation.  Because it shows that the other persons happiness is most important and we are willing to defend it. . .  TOGETHER.

Discussion: The Law of Tithing

Two years ago was when my Hubby and I really started to seriously discuss our differences in belief and how we were going to handle them.  The first topic I remember discussing was Tithing.  Just so we are all clear what we are talking about, I'm going to start with what the LDS Church teaches.

LDS Church Teachings on Tithing:

• contributing is an outward sign of belief in God

"By this principle [Tithing] the loyalty of the people of this Church shall be put to the test.  By this principle it shall be known who is for the kingdom of God and who is against it."

(Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, p. 225)

• a tithe constitutes ten percent of ones total earnings  (DC 119: 4)
• tithing needs to be paid first before paying bills

"If paying tithing means that you can’t pay for water or electricity, pay tithing. If paying tithing means that you can’t pay your rent, pay tithing. Even if paying tithing means that you don’t have enough money to feed your family, pay tithing." 

(Aaron L. West, Sacred Transformations, December 2012)

• tithing money goes to building the Lords house, laying the foundation of Zion and for the Priesthood, and the debts of the Presidency of the Church (DC 119: 2)
• paying a full tithe brings blessings from God (Malachi 3: 10)
• tithe paying is a law that every member of the church is expected to obey regardless of circumstances (Temple Recommend Question)

Now that we are clear concerning what the church teaches, lets talk about my problem.  

The Problem:

At this point (2 years ago), my shelf has come crumbling down and I can no longer, in good conscience, support an organisation that participates in acts and deeds that do not align with my moral and ethical code.  However, I have a Hubby who does believe and he will want to pay Tithing.  Our major problem comes with me being a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM).  I am currently not bringing in any money.  So, does this mean I don't have a say in what happens with the money?  He is the provider and I'm the nurturer.  What do we do?

My Thoughts and Fears attached to our possible conversation:

• What will he say?
• Will he be mad or will he understand?
• Will he be possessive of the money that he brought in?
• I'm doing what the Church wants me to do, be at home.  That HAS to be worth something.
• I hope he thinks my work at home is worth something.
• How would we decide how much money does or doesn't go to tithing? We are both contributing to our family, even if it's not monetary.
• Will it cost him his temple recommend because he isn't a "full tithe payer."
• Money is the number one reason people get divorced, I hope this doesn't send him over the edge.

The Conversation:

Our conversation was in the car.  After a date.  Just before we were coming in to relieve our babysitter.  In retrospect, this was the wrong time to bring any serious conversation up.  I did it anyway.  I stumbled through my thoughts on Tithing and how I was worth something even without a job and I really didn't want to pay tithing, but I didn't want to keep him from attending the temple and being in good standing with the church.  So, while I was blubbering and had tears running down my face, my Hubby reassured me that he loves me and appreciates all time I spend with our kids at home.  Because that's what we decided to do while they were little.  

My Hubby reminded me that when we first got married and talked about how our finances would work, we decided to put our money together.  It became OUR money.  This was part of our definition of "equal partner" in our marriage and supporting our family.  Currently, I'm the one who handles all our money and I have been taking out the tithing and placing it in it's own account.  It sits there all year until Tithing Settlement in December, where we pay it in a lump sum.  Since this is how we handle tithing, then we could separate it in equal halves.  My Hubby said he thought splitting the money was fair and that his half was a full tithe of his familial contribution.  He didn't want me to do anything that I didn't want to do just as much as I didn't want him to stop doing something he wanted to.  Understanding all the reasons I didn't want to pay tithing was a desire of my Hubby, so I directed him to a source that discusses the law, the history, and the uses of tithing.  You can find it HERE.

Our Compromise:

We split our tithing money in half.  He took his half and paid tithing to the Church, while I took the other half and wanted to help other people who needed it.  We spent all December fulfilling requests on Angel Trees and Secret Santa, and then contributed the rest to The Road Home.

Many Hard Discussions

For the past four years it's been important to me to keep communication open between myself and my Hubby.  Our minds can run wild with assumptions of what each other feel or think about any given situation or topic.  And I don't think any marriage can survive unspoken assumptions.  They become a divide between couples that keeps widening with the silence.  I just couldn't let this happen. 

Many times there has been that awkward beginning, "um...can we talk about something?" or "I've been thinking about _____ and I'd like to tell you about it"  or  "are you open to a serious discussion right now?"  There is a fear of response.  Will I be completely shut down?  Will he understand?  Is this going to be another fight?  Will this be the topic that makes him want to leave?  And so many other possibilities that ran through my mind.  But I had to do it.  We just had to talk about everything.  To keep the trust there must be vulnerability.

I never wanted to "convert" my Hubby out of Mormonism.  That doesn't respect his spiritual ability to choose his beliefs.  But, to make life work for us, I felt it was very important for us to know how each other felt about different things; such as:

How and what are we going to teach our kids?   
How do we handle extended family church activities? 
What do we do on Sundays? 
What do each of us think about W.O.W.?
What do each of us think about Tithing?
What do each of us think about the non-disclosure policy the church has about money?
What do each of us think about Polygamy?
What is celestial marriage?
What are each of our "roles" in our own family?
What do each of us think about afterlife?
What do each of us think about eternal families?
What do we do about temple attendance?
What do we do about church attendance?
What do we do about problematic teaching methods?
What do each of us think about LGBTQIA equality?
What do each of us think about women and their role in the church?
Who do we think God is?
What kind of person is he/she?
What do each of us think about the church's new essays?
What are the important values we want our kids to understand?

I'm sure there were many more topics that we covered, but 4 years is a long time and recalling all of them is just unrealistic.   Many of these topics came up multiple time throughout the last four years.  We reevaluated our previous decision and made adjustments when needed. 

I'm going to spend the next little while writing about our discussions concerning some of these topics.  I will cover my feelings before, during and after the discussion, the differing points of view we had or didn't have, and what we decided to do.  I'm doing this so that you can understand how it worked for us, how hard it was to get to a compromise, and hopefully you can extract something from our experience that can benefit your situation; whatever that may be. 

If there are any other hard topics that you think we might have talked about that I haven't listed and you want to know how it went, please feel free to message me or comment below.  I'll share if I can.

The Silence that is Segregation

It's been years since that first discussion with my Hubby.  We've had many more since.  There have been nights of tears and nights of laughter.   Some harder than others, but all needed. Somehow these discussions were never my biggest struggle.  The biggest struggle was the silence of the people around me. 

Soon I had friends and family who distanced themselves from me because of our differences in belief.  (political or religious)  No more calls.  No more play dates.  No more getting together for any reason.  Lots of excuses. (Yes, I know everyone has a life and responsibilities, but excuses don't hold up after YEARS)  Lots of "un-friending." This one sounds a bit ridiculous to mention because everyone uses Facebook for different reasons; however, it's not my friend number going down that hurts.  It's the family and friends that I've had close relationships with for more than 10 years that leave without ever stating that there was a conflict between us.  Family gatherings where I'm neither seen nor heard.  The gossip I hear about later.

All of these trimmed my adult interactions.  All I had was my two little rascals to talk to.  Someone can only stay sane for so long talking to toddlers.  Soon the pulling out of hair begins.   And one day my Hubby turned to me and said, "Call someone and go out.  You need to go do something without the kids."  And there was no one.

No best friend.
Not ONE person I could confide in.   
No person I could talk to in real life that would understand me completely.
No one to go get a cupcake from Cravings with.

Until I couldn't handle it anymore.  I needed friends.  Girl friends.  People who wanted to be around me because everyone, including me, needs friends.  So, I went to my first C.A.L.M. meeting put on by the Utah Valley Postmormons.  At this meeting I introduced myself and blubbered through a condensed version of my story.  As I looked out at the circle of people staring back at me I realized, "these people don't know me, but they care and they want to know me."  Finally, I was in contact with people.  Real live people.

I met a bunch of people at this meeting and we get together often.  There are lots of fun things for us all to do.  Parties, Book Club, Family events, play group, and so much more.  And I love it.  I'm glad that I have people. 

I just wish that lives didn't have to separate because of differences.

Showing My Broken Shelf to My Hubby

In my world, my immediate family is the most important thing to me.  My Hubby and my kids.  The people I would walk through fire for.  This is also a matter of concern within the LDS church because we are taught of the importance of eternal families.  "Eternal" being the key word here.  Because all too often members are taught not to date people outside of the church because you could never have an eternal family, and, even more horrifying, taught to leave their spouse if the spouse has become an unbeliever.  Their family wouldn't be eternal anymore.  So, they need to find someone else to get them to the highest degreee of glory.  All because "Eternal Families."

So, based on this latter teaching, I was terrified to tell my Hubby.  Horrified that he could possibly look at me and say, "Fine.  If you don't want to join me in the Celestial Kingdom, then we can part ways so that I can find someone who does."  Then I would be a single mom with a toddler and a baby and NO job.  Scary.

I don't remember my exact words, but I asked my Hubby to sit with me in the living room.  I wanted to talk.  We sat in darkness, in our basement apartment while I tried to explain my feelings.  Feelings of dissatisfaction, betrayal, and desertion from the church.  I was trying to let my Hubby know that functioning at church was getting harder.  I wasn't sure what was going to happen.  I wasn't sure if I was staying or going, but I wanted my Hubby to know where I was at.  What I was thinking about.  And I wanted our communication to stay open and honest.  Because I truly believe communication is the basis for a loving and functional relationship.

I do not remember any of the responses from my Hubby.  I do remember LOVE.  I remember him assuring me that, no matter what, we were going to stay together.  He loved me.  And not just because we had the same beliefs.  Just because of me.  He loved me and I loved him.  That's all that really mattered.  We were in this journey together.

This is not to say that our life has been easy to navigate.  It wasn't. We had to figure out what would work for us.  We talked about articles I read.  We talked about the church's opinions on political topics.  We talked about church attendance.  For a while, I went.  Then there was a time that I didn't go and just my Hubby and kids went.  But that wasn't working either.  We did finally come to a compromise.  We split our time.  Every other week we took turns deciding what our Sunday would look like.  My hubby would choose church, so we went to church on his weeks.  On my weeks, we usually went to the park or for a hike. Our Sundays were together because that's what we wanted.  Being together was most important to us.

As we talked about different topics concerning the church we realized that we agreed on a lot of things.  If not completely, partially.  We had common ground.  Together, we attended a Candle Light Vigil put on by the Utah Pride Center that showed support of Marriage Equality when the United States Supreme Court was hearing arguments on Prop. 8 and DOMA. 

There was a moment I was unsure what my Hubby would think.  I wanted to join Ordain Women in their demonstration by waiting in line for stand-by tickets to the Priesthood Session.  I even asked him if he would join me.  He did.  My Hubby came with me in both October 2013 and April 2014.  We joined hundreds in support of a better environment for women within the LDS church. 

 Over time,  it became unbearable to attend church meetings for me.  The judgmental discussions and elitism over non-believers was not something I could handle anymore.  I thought we were at church to discuss Jesus.  After a particularly disturbing Sunday School class that demeaned those who have doubts, I stopped going.  The kids and I stayed home while my Hubby attended.  Then after church we would do something fun together.  When I decided not to attend anymore my Hubby was VERY supportive.  He understood.  The anger on Sundays was not worth our family's happiness.  It would destroy the whole day.  Our life was better without me going.

I have heard many stories about couples where one spouse doesn't believe anymore and they are faced with arguments, a multitude of problems, and divorce.  These are all sad and terrible situations.  And my heart hurts for each and every couple.  I have been so lucky with my experience.  My Hubby has been supportive even through disagreements.  Working through was always our main goal.  I'm grateful for his patience and love. 

Broken and Alone

There I was, standing over my destroyed shelf.  A pile of unresolved issues and unanswered questions below me.  Not knowing where to start with clean up.  Not daring to talk to anyone.  My trust in my church had been shattered, which seeped over onto everything.  Trust in EVERYTHING was gone.  And as is well known, trust takes a LONG time to build again. 

Having no answers.  Not knowing where to get truthful answers.  Not wanting to let go of the only life I've ever known.  Scared of destroying my marriage.  Scared of how family and friends will react.  Wanting truth.  Wanting someone to understand.  Needing empathy.  I didn't know what to do.  I was alone. 

One day I remembered that my sister-in-law had added me to a Facebook group a couple of years earlier.  Feminist Mormon Housewives.  I checked it out.  I had NO experience with Facebook groups, so I just lurked for a while.  I discovered men and women like me.  They saw things in the Mormon world that didn't make sense or reflect the teachings we had drilled into us our whole lives.  I had found my people. 

They knew.  They understood.  And there was no judgment.  I didn't have to be silent.  Most of these people were trying to stay and make the church a better place for everyone.  What I wanted to do.  They helped me find the courage to talk to my Hubby. 

I finally had help to pick up and sort through the mess in front of me. 

My Shelf. . . It Was Just Too Heavy

(If you don't know what I mean when I say "my shelf," then please read this post so you understand what I'm talking about here.  Thanks)


I was "born in the covenant."  My life began in a diverse city.  None of my early life friends were Mormon.  They were all normal, kind people.  But of course we needed to "save them."  My first missionary experience was in  Grade One.  I gave my teacher a Book of Mormon.  In Grade Two, I gave my teacher a Book of Mormon and she attended my baptism.  She is still the only face I can remember from that day; looking up at her from the font.  I'm sure I gave my Grade Three and Four teachers the same gift.  It was right around this time that I learned that my Uncle is gay.  I knew that being gay was "not something that we did," but I knew he wasn't a bad person and I loved him.  LGBT ISSUES - placed on my shelf.

In the summer after Grade four, we moved out of the big city to a small Mormon town.  Here I learned that those who were different were dangerous.  (I was the dangerous outsider.)  Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of friends, but I was the crazy city girl influencing everyone's kids towards evil.  At age 10, I didn't even know what evil was.  Except for what I was told at church.

Speaking of church, it was at church in this little town where I learned about Black vs. White OR Dark vs. Light skin.  This was portrayed in a lesson at church with water, pepper, and salt.  The salt being the good that gets rid of the bad.  The teacher specifically referenced color of skin to the lesson.  Keep in mind, that here in this area, the Natives did not get along with the white people.  (This is a generalization, I know.  I'm sure there are some people that like each other just fine.  But this is my 12-yr-old memory.)  I got along fine with the Natives, though.  This only added fuel to the fire of evil influence that was me.  Over half of my friends were Natives.  RACISM - added to my shelf.

At 12, we moved again.  Back to city life; well suburban life anyway.  This is what is known as "Happy Valley."  Here the culture was different.  When I first got here, I remember thinking, "these people are weird,"  but not really able to place what the weirdness was.  Everyone did the same activities.  Everyone had the same crafty home decor.  Everyone went to the same church.  Everyone had all the same things to talk about.  There also seemed to be no room for error.  ASSIMILATION - placed on my shelf.

Here is where I learned that boys and girls were different.  It's not okay for a girl to want to be into sports and the outdoors; she is supposed to craft, cook, be quiet and have babies.  Boys can play, get dirty, be loud, and have fun.  GENDER ROLES- shelved.

Then there was the difference in activities.  Boys could go on trips, go boating, fishing, camping, shooting, skiing, and a whole slew of other expensive activities, while the girls had to be frugal and go to a leaders home to make crepes, or write out the characteristics they require from their future husbands.  FUNDING YWs vs YMs - on my shelf.

Boys taught to prepare for, get, and use the Priesthood.  The Power of God.  Girls get nothing.  INEQUALITY -shelved.

Girls taught that we control the thoughts of boys and men.  We are to blame for the things that happen to us if we aren't dressed "modestly."  Boys taught that it's the girls fault they think the way they do.  RAPE CULTURE - shelved.

Girls taught their divine role is to be a wife and mother in Zion.  Boys taught nothing about Fatherhood or being a good husband, only about Scouts.  OH, and Priesthood.  DIVINE ROLES - shelved.

As I grew up in Mormon-ville and filled my days with school and extra curricular activities,  I didn't have much to worry about.  We were all Mormons.  Except for my ONE friend.  But we hardly saw each other.  We participated in different activities.  Someone else could handle that missionary opportunity.  EVERY MEMBER ALWAYS A MISSIONARY - shelved.

It was in High School that receiving personal revelation was stressed in my Seminary classes.  This was something I could count happening to me on only one hand.  I didn't feel like direct revelation was mine to possess.  I mean, who can really tell the difference between personal feelings and "The Spirit" anyway?  I couldn't.  And no one could explain this to me.  SPIRITUAL CONFIRMATIONS - shelved.

I attended BYU-Idaho.  I was there the first year it was an official BYU school.  Now, if I thought that "Happy Valley" was crazy, then BYU-Idaho was a whole new world of ridiculous.  However, I fit in just fine.  I could adjust to the rules that I signed up for.  (literally signed for)  College is supposed to be an exploration time.  A time to find yourself, try new things, do something stupid, and come out of it alive and better because of your experiences.  That's not what happens in Rexburg, ID.  No finding yourself.  You do as you're told.  No trying new things.  No experimentation.  No Sandals.  Doing something stupid gets you expelled or worse, excommunicated.  This is a control situation.  Know the rules, do them, go to class, and you'll graduate.

I learned here that this was no ordinary school.  The underlying religious messages weren't so discrete.  I didn't have ONE class that didn't mention marriage.  This was the real purpose for college, to get married.  Not to improve my education or develop my ability to think for myself.    MARRIAGE.  That's it.  Find the man.  Capture the man.  Make babies.  Support the man.  Endure to the end.  DIVINE ROLES - again, placed on the shelf.

Well, I didn't meet someone who could provide for me.  Return Missionaries (RMs) were weird.  I steered clear.  Just my degree for me, please.  But just because the boys were weird doesn't mean I would be weird if I went.  I could be a normal missionary.  So, I decided to go.  Everyone was supportive.  I was called to the Virginia Richmond Mission.

The Missionary Training Center (MTC) was more strict than BYU-Idaho.  However, I signed up for this, again.  In the MTC, I learned that this was not a place for questions and answers.  This was a place for "tough love" and assimilation.  ONLY ONE WAY - thrown on the shelf.

Leaving the MTC.  Hearing a voice tell me not to go.  Calling home and having my Dad (without me telling him what I heard) said, "no turning back now."  So, I went.  PERSONAL REVELATION - hanging over the side of my very full shelf.

The Mission Field.  The place where all unbelievers dwell.  Where they are ripe and all ready to harvest.  Where my mission president didn't think highly of Sister Missionaries, and he didn't feel I had any personal revelatory abilities, and disregarded every feeling I had.  Including me knowing there was a death coming in my family WEEKS before it happened.  This is where I learned that in the political realm of the church, women didn't matter.  Our voices don't matter.  Our presence doesn't matter.  Our opinions don't matter.  (If you want to read the whole story, you can find it here.)  INEQUALITY - hanging from personal revelation.  DISRESPECT - hanging from inequality.  My shelf, getting splinters from the weight.

I came home.  EARLY.  No one said anything.  No one asked questions.  No one made eye contact.  No one knew why I came home.  However, the inability to perform, or depression, or rule breaker lingers in the air.  But no one asks me.  My parents didn't know why.  My stake president didn't even know why I came home.  All he had was a note in my file that said I was being released because of medical reasons. Who knew that choosing to come home was A MEDICAL PROBLEM?  There you have it folks, I CHOSE to come home.

After I came home, I dated, got married, finished school and went to work.  After a few years, I had kids.  During this time of me being pregnant and at home I had a chance to experience multiple male chauvinistic leaders, develop a hatred to the rhetoric that exists in Relief Society, and read EVERYTHING I could find about my beloved church's involvement with Prop 8 in California and earlier in Hawaii, and the "therapy" used to treat those people who are burdened with the struggle of "Same Sex Attraction."

LGBT TREATMENT BY THE CHURCH - SHELF BROKEN

The Shelf

Everyone has a "shelf."  Most people don't know that they have one.  It's the place where we place things that don't seem quite right, but we convince ourselves that we are imagining it, or we can't change it.  So, we place it on our shelf for review later.  Most of the time "later" never comes. 

Mormons also have a shelf.  Most do not know it exists.  This shelf holds different things for different people, all with differing excuses as to why this problem should be ignored.  Here are some examples that I have collected from myself and other Mormons and ex-Mormons of what might be on a Mormon shelf with the possible accompanying justification:

• Polygamy - "as long as I'm the first wife"
• Distribution of Church funds - "they are called of God, they must be inspired to where the money goes"
• Earths existence in years - "our time is different than Gods time"
• Dinosaurs - "our time is different than Gods time"
• Scriptural Inconsistencies - "I don't know all that God knows.  It will be explained later."
• Temple Ceremonies - "I need to attend more; I don't understand yet."
• Temple Changes - "Revelation"
• Scripture Changes - "Revelation"
• Inequality between YWs and YMs - "boys are different than girls"
• Priesthood - "It's just the way it is."
• Church Involvement in Scouting - "it's not really a 'church' program."
• Masturbation - "cultural teachings not doctrinal teachings"
• Gaudy Temple Materials - "only our best for the Lord."
• LGBTQIA treatment by the Church - "those things didn't really happen.  Our leaders would never do those things."
• Women without decision making powers - "that's the responsibility of the Priesthood, I'm just a mother."
• Horrible things said by Prophets - "they are fallible men working with an infallible gospel."

 These are just a few of the many things that Mormons have put on their shelf.  These issues pile up on top of each other until the shelf can no longer hold the weight.  And it breaks. Bringing everything that has ever been placed on the shelf back into the light; ready to be focused on again.

This crash brings many into the questioning-Mormon world.  A world that makes no sense.  A world where all your ally's now view you as the enemy.  A world where trust is lost.  A world where finding truth becomes imperative to survival.  So, you begin your journey.

This is where I began mine.

Wife No. 19 by Ann Eliza Young

I recently read Wife No. 19 by Ann Eliza Young.  

This was her account of life in the early times of the LDS church and her experience being the 19th wife of Brigham Young, the prophet of the LDS church at the time.   I really enjoyed reading this book.  Ann kept my attention well throughout the book.  She does jump back and forth in time with her stories, so you have to pay attention closely.  Her story will pull at the strings attached to your heart.  If you have any interest in the culture of the LDS church at the beginning of it's creation, then this book is intended for you.  I hope you enjoy.

The Good Samaritan and Ordain Women

I am not a member of Ordain Women (OW). But last year I felt the need to understand better why women wanted to be ordained.  I spent months reading about it, asking those involved, and discussing the many different reasons for why they have chosen to support OW.

What I found were reasons based a lot on the inequalities between male and female members.  ALL of those reasons reflected feelings I have experienced through out my life.  I spent most of my pre-teen and teen years asking, "why do the YM/Priesthood get to do things that the YW/RS don't?"  The answers always varied, but never felt adequate.  I have spent my adult years watching the marginalization of women within the church suffocate women's identities, individuality, and the impact they could make within the church.

I support those requesting more equality within the church.  I support those who want to be accepted within the church for who they are, not what they are expected to be.   I support those who want to have women's voices actually make a difference within the church.  I support those who wish to have women and men work side-by-side in the decision making processes within the church.  I support those who believe that women have more to offer than flower arrangements, table cloths, and center pieces.  I support those that promote the idea of men and women each being responsible for their own thoughts and actions.

Knowing that I support these things and that lots of these things are some of the reasons that women are involved in OW, means that I can relate to the request of the organization.  I understand where they are coming from.   I don't have an emotional pull/need towards ordination.  I do see benefits of women being ordained.

I stood patiently in line with a couple hundred men and women requesting admission to last years October Priesthood Session.  I didn't go because I need to be ordained.  I went because I understand what each of these men and women feel.  I understand where they're coming from.  I also went because, after talking to so many people, I felt that this group was going to be grossly under-represented because many women didn't have the ability to get to the session for themselves.

In Luke 10: 25-28, Jesus was asked "what shall I do to inherit eternal life?" and with great wisdom answered with his own question, "What is written in the law? how readest thou?"  The lawyer answered saying,

"Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself."

Jesus confirmed, "Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live."  But here the lawyer didn't know who his neighbor was.  Jesus continues to explain by giving us the parable of the Good Samaritan.  Explaining that even those we disagree with, are not socially acceptable associates, or that we were taught to hate are, in fact, our neighbors.

Now here is where we all talk about the love and compassion that the Samaritan bestowed on the the man from Jerusalem.  He was a Godsend to his fellow human being; truly a miracle.  But instead of talking about the Samaritan, I'd like to talk about the man from Jerusalem.

In this story he is stripped, beaten, and left for dead.  I have never experienced this and pray I never do, but lets imagine what he is feeling.  Hurt, violated, worthless.  Then he has, not one, but multiple people see him and walk by.  These actions could solidify feelings of worthlessness, depression, and succumbing to death.

But then there is someone who stops to help.  This person cleans the mans wounds and carries him to safety where he can get the best help.  The man now might feel hope, love, support, understanding, and compassion. SAFE.

The men and women I know who are members of OW, and those who are not (myself included) but question other aspects of our LDS culture and church, feel these emotions. When members of our own church pass us by, count our concerns as unimportant, and scream hateful words at us this solidifies our feelings of worthlessness within the LDS Church.

This year, I will again be joining Ordain Women in Salt Lake City.  I will go, not because I feel the need to be ordained, but because all women need a voice within the church,  all women need a place to feel safe and secure, and all people, members and non-members alike, need never feel criticized for searching for answers.